All I want for Christmas.....

I have been thinking on this a great deal and maybe it is because of living in a country where religion is not as big deal. But the lack of overly shoved down your throat Christian nonsense has made me less eager to return to the stupidity of the states. It is relaxing to be able to say Happy Holidays without being screamed at or have morons insist that Jesus is the reason for the season even though it is more likely he was born in warmer months.

I just find it odd it only seems to be in America that there is any perceived "War". My aggravation is that I am made to feel that celebrating my holiday is under attack. That if I do not say Merry Christmas I am yelled at. The Christian portions of the population in America have become down right threatening and rude. I don't care if they want to worship their zombie off a stick then that is their prerogative. But if I chose to say Happy Holidays I am entitled to do so. I am also entitled to not have Christianity shoved down my throat. You want a nativity's fine I just get to laugh cause I have one too since the Sun is reborn on the 21st. Heck 90% of Christmas traditions come from pagan origins and have little to do with the birth of "Your savior".

So here is an idea you leave me alone and I leave you alone. I don't have kids but even if I did would welcome your celebrations if only to show the perversity of the beliefs to my children. As people shiver in the cold after losing their homes or because of a long illness while you give your kids ipads and other things. For some odd reason the season of peace and love has been about making the rest of us celebrate your damn holiday and if we don't to be harassed till we form a serious dislike for anyone claiming to be one of Jesus's chosen flock. Do these "christians" realise the bad PR job they are doing for their religion? Cause I can say this if I didn't know quite a few true Christians I would have a very very low opinion of American Christians.

Puppies

Well been looking for puppies for several months now and think I might have finally made a decision. Though I shall have to actually see the puppies to decide for sure. Looking at a Jack Russell cross and a Chi Chi which is a Chihuahua and Chines Crested cross. Well when I am sure one way or another I will post pictures and info. Anyway nap time have an early morning tomorrow.

Sadness

Well got an email today from mom asking me to call home and I did. She didn't want to tell me over an email what had happened. Grandmother passed away. This has been a bad year, First Gayzelle the best horse anyone could have, then Rigel my cat who was probably my best friend for the last 16 years, and now grandmother. Well bad luck comes in three's so maybe things will get better. Trying to be positive it is just hard being this far away.

The worst

Well everythin I feared would happen has. It has been two weeks of hell. No sooner had I posted that update than I get a call that grandmother had passed. To not go into too much detail the last two weeks have been informative. Did you know that as an heir in the state of Texas you have no legal right to see the will?

So far things have disappeared from the house and I have found there is little I can do since it will take all the heirs to do anything about it and well have no idea who has the other 30% of the estate. Just tired and sick of the bs and obvious greed of the executor and really wishing Grandmother hadn't changed her will last year.

Finally landed!

Well after the plane trip from hell, and I should know I travel way too much, finally landed at heathrow. Our fun started at Houston at that airport named after a shrub. There was a bit of a issue apparently which was fine with me since yet again I had spent too much time with my face pressed to the glass of one of the many airport shops. Funny how they fill them with shiny cool looking things that upon purchasing often become worthless paper weights, or even better you see one outside the airport and realize how badly they screwed you on the price. So an extra 20 minutes means more time to wonder about the shiny things.

So finally we get on board, of course I didn't make it to that coveted first class upgrade think that is a story they tell. You know a fiction so that we feel that the airlines aren't really screwing us and can be magnanimous on occasion. So we are all on board and we seem to be heading for the runway when there is problem up towards th front of the plane. Apparently a fellow passenger was being a bit stubborn and was going to get off the plane. This was a completely new experience for me as we returned to the gate. Once they managed to remove her and her luggage, this was a 45 min process, we thought we would leave. But at some point the electrical system went wonky and there was another delay while they tried to fix this. After another 30 minutes  it was determined that the problem wasn't easily fixable so we were herded off the plane to wait till another could arrive. Well one couldn't come for at least 3 hours so once again I found myself wondering what to do. The lure of shiny things had worn off since I was unable to afford them anyway so looking at them would not relieve my frustration. So I took the next obvious solution and went to have a beer. Several other passengers decided to partake as well and we have a very lively conversation, especially as one had taken half an ambien and was trying to stay awake till we could return to the plane. After the allotted time we reboarded and took off.

The flight was uneventful except that I tried to sleep and learned why I never bothered to try to do that before. I have never been so uncomfortable, and I suspect the seats were not designed so anyone over 5'11" can be comfortable. So after a restless painful nap I awoke to find us descending to London. At this point we got breakfast and I got the opportunity to show exactly how klutzy I am. I managed to spill an entire coke over my self so not only am I cranky and tired I was now sticky and wet as well. Even better is that I managed to spill it in such a way that I appeared to have wet myself. I was never so happy to get off a plane in my entire life, that was after I relocated my passport I managed to misplace in my search for a pen to fill out the landing card. I guess I looked so pitiful that customs waved me through and I was wandering out to see if my boyfriend had come to meet me. Thankfully he was though he wasn't pleased about the flight delay, as if I had any control over that. Then my cell phone was still not turned on, thank you 3! So after commandeering Lewis's phone I contacted Agne so I could figure out how to get to her place in Plumstead. So three hours later I finally arrived and was able to lay down, and yes that is correct grammar since it is past tense look it up don't bee itch to me :p.

This was all on Friday. So today has been really bad not sure if worse or better. Lewis got his wires crossed and miss understood the fact he needed to let me know what time he was coming over since I have no phone and was exhausted so unlikely to be up at a normal hour. Then I received and email from my mother, at least she understands the concept of phones not working, that my grandmother whom my cousins had put in a nursing home had come down with pneumonia. As far as I can tell she is ICU. Now that I am out of the country there is little I can do and I can not even call her because of the breathing apparatus they have put on her does not allow her to talk. So what do I do besides just wait for any word? I hope she will get better but I fear what this presages her death. I had these feelings when I saw her after her fall and I am not sure how hard my cousins will fight to keep her alive. I even have to wonder if she had been home with assistance if this would have happened at all. Maybe it is my own issues with mortality and the loss of one more family member leaving us with three. Though she has not always been the most family orientated of people she is still family and that means that I will do my best to be sure my grasping cousins don't hurt her. Though suspect it is too late and that medical power of attorney puts me at a disadvantage to do much. The other fact of being in London does make it complicated but I can be back in a matter of hours if necessary. I just hope this turns out well.

Getting closer.

It is amazing when you really think about it how fast time passes. Seems like I haven't been home for long, though when I think about it I know it has been close to four months. Though with the only important things for this three months being to get rid of my possessions guess it has made it a bit more painful so somewhat noticeable. Then there was my grandmother taking a fall and the realization that when I leave for London this maybe the last time I see her alive and that is pretty scary.

Made me think alot about life and the worries of what I would do if anything happened to my mother. We don't get along, mainly cause we are so alike, but can't imagine her not being here to help. Even more it has become apparent that I need to figure out what I wish to do. While I have always loved the family ranch not really sure that is the end I will pursue since that was my mothers dream. I have learned I need to find my own dreams for life and not let myself be drawn into others dreams to sacrifice my own ambitions. My grandmother has shown me what bitterness and selfishness can bring about and I do not wish to create that by not following my own star. I will support my mom, but that doesn't mean I can't have my own.

But think my path will lead me back to Texas in the end there is too much work to do here. I know the easy road would be to stay in a country that is more in line with my beliefs, but I have never been one to take the easy road. But well that is one of the many things I have been thinking about over the last few weeks. I also have been fairly morbid lately but that I think comes from how depressing everything is and how many people are full of hate for their fellow man. Think it all became a bit much when I went to the protest outside of the Gov. Perry's prayer meeting. That so many people could be so hateful and scream at people that they were going to hell left a very bad taste in my mouth. This only got worse as the weeks went by and it became apparent that some have no respect for anyone not even their own religion. The fire really brought that out with people who were not even in the area posting on important message boards about prayers. While nice it was irritating since those of us needed updates had to dig through the mountains of "prayers". Personally thinking it was a way for them to insert themselves into something as an attention thing. Not to mention the constant use of Jesus's name was a bit offensive even to my overly Christian mother.

Maybe it is cause it was what sent me away from the Christian religion in the first place, but the evangelising just is a bit much. It seems so many are only acting like that because they have to keep having to prove to themselves. Kinda like if you say it enough times eventually it will become true. Maybe that is what grates on me is the fact most seem to be so desperate to believe anything, and that is actually kinda depressing when you think about it. But the real pet peeve is their inability to accept others as they are. As if we all want to be plagued by doubt the way they are. I have seen many things in my travels and while I haven't seen it all I have seen enough to know I don't understand everything nor do I want to. There is amazing wonder in the world and to try and understand that is not in my nature. It is like my moment of epiphany standing on on St. John an uninhabited isle in the south pacific. We stopped on our way to Perth from Durban and I swam with sea lions and climbed the crater where rock hopper penguins nested. Upon reaching the top, a moment I will never forget, there was nothing but ocean and our seemingly small tall ship rolling on waves. I pulled out my old journal from that trip.

February, 21, 1996
As we broke through the waves turning to avoid the kelp beds, we looked back at the S/V Concordia. Her masts were swaying as the swells tipped her to and fro. The crater rim was quite high, and all along the top were rock hopper penguins and sea lions along the shore. The climb was hard but upon reaching the top I knew I had found a place of the Gods.
There was a silence that encompassed all. even as the wind blew there was no sound. I felt their touch and my hope and faith was restored after so long. I thought of many things and had many questions answered on that small island. I firmly believe one can find them self, and know them self on this tiny island. 

I wish I had been a better journal writer and  had added more than that one small entry. But I know I thrive in solitude better than amongst people. Maybe it is this moment that set that in my head, but my life has been a search for that peace. When I had my wreck in August 2007 I had another moment and the one thing beyond the pain and the waiting to be rescued was the knowledge that I had strayed. That is what got me back into school and off to University again. Gave me the urge to travel again and to see how much of the world had changed in 11 years. So I chose the UK since I would be close to Europe to travel and there wouldn't be a language issue, my French is atrocious and the Texas accent does not help it. But learned more of the world by living outside the US for the majority of the last two years. The things we see as important in the US right now in the long run aren't. Our American pride is keeping us from achieving as much as we could, not to mention the inability to say when we are wrong.

This last year will be bitter sweet since I know I will have to make a choice this next July. But that will come when it comes right now the most important thing is to get through my final year and graduate. To walk across this stage to get my diploma will be the one of the most momentous things at this point. From that point I can make my decisions on where to go from there. Though my dream has been to work for the IRS and within the regulatory arm of taxation law. So that maybe where I go who knows.

Funny started on a gripe about unchristian Christians and got to school hmm time for bed.

Fires

The past few days and the fires ravaging the area makes you really think about things. I have spent the last few days trying to prepare incase the winds change and the fires head our way. But how to evacuate 15 horses and ponies and 27 cattle? I have a stencil and spray paint cans with the idea of at least putting our phone number on all the horses so I can at least open gates and let them go. With two trailers we can not get all of them out so at least letting them go gives them a chance.

Out of all of this I will say it has caused me to convince mother to make an effort to scan family photo's so if nothing else we will still have them. To think about things and do more to make it easier if she has to evacuate at short notice. If thinks like that are backed up then she can just grab a computer and worry about clothing and other possessions. However it will take a while to actually scan all of them. The fires actually are probably the most scary thing I have ever dealt with. You can make choices of where to live to prevent most things but fire can not be planned for. I shall go back out and keep praying. I leave for London here soon and I just hope these fires are done by the time I leave.

Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.

It is amazing how many things I have kept over the years. Thankfully that hoarding show exists so I have the fact I don't want to end up like the people on it so it isn't too hard to get rid of things. I have gotten a bunch of those vacuum bags and are making progress. I have decided to give away most of my stuff since I don't need it and I can't throw it away. I have the same issue with books. Even when mom gave me one of Glenn Beck's books couldn't burn it even though I really wanted to. I eventually found a new home for it, but can't destroy a book they are too precious even if I don't agree with the things they say I won't stoop to the level I see many people today. Remember all those people burning Harry Potter books or that idiot Florida preacher burning the Qu'ran and they gave those books more power through their actions. Then there was the obvious fact that to burn the books they had to buy them so imagine all the money that publisher was making from their stupidity. I don't think ideas are dangerous unless you exclude all other ideas.

Guess that is the issues I have now days is that the GOP and the Tea Party especially want to remove all other ideas. They only want theirs taught and to my mind this should bother more people. How can this be acceptable? I just don't get this. We as Americans are stronger for our diversity of culture and beliefs and to exclude all others means we will lose the very thing that makes us great. I fear that we are seeing the end of religious tolerance in America and a return to the 1950's McCarthy era fear and hostility. Of lists and fear of our very neighbors. The things that baby Bush used to his advantage to do what he wanted for 6 years. He would strum the population with imaginary threats and fear to get what he wanted. I see this in the Tea Party they are so sure everyone is out to take their stuff away. I find that amusing since I really don't want any of their stuff. Who would want a bunch of rusted cars on blocks that in front of their house? I don't want their guns, though the idea of uneducated idiots with guns is slightly worrying. Really the Tea Party are anarchists and they just haven't realised it yet. They preach small government, and then they want the government to regulate the hell out of our personal lives so we aren't "sinning".

God does not hold you responsible for other people only your soul. We can even go further that if I choose to "sin" that is my choice. I really think people should stop being so concerned with other people and concentrate on their own lives a bit more. Guess that is why I have gravitated more to the liberal side since I don't feel anyone has the right to make decisions for me. I am still a conservative in of the fact I think we should be careful about being too hasty to trust the intentions of our politicians. I am conservative in and of the fact that change should be slow and over a longer time. But that conservative nature is tempered with the liberal ideas of community and that while I don't think I have the right to tell my neighbor what to do because I do not want him telling me what I can do.

I dislike that groups like the GOP and especially the Tea Party have taken this word and made it icky enough I now call myself a liberal. It is like a Christian friend that hates how they have twisted and perverted the Christian religion for their own power and gain. I believe in moderation and being cautious not rushing in and making sweeping changes. This is what I see coming out of the GOP and Tea Party. They want fast solutions and are often throwing the baby out with the bath water. I am only hoping that the conservatives return to their traditional values and lose the psychotic hell bent for leather authoritarian crap they are embracing lately.

A beginning

Well we are down to the last few weeks before I return to London for my final year of my degree. This time next year I will be working as an Accountant hard to believe. Though it is more irritating at how long it took me to get here. Oh well every great story has to start somewhere right.... and 32 isn't that old..... Well life has to start sometime and this summer home has shown me a lot of things about myself. Think we all have a hard time with who we are and the feeling that we haven't done enough. Maybe that is just me but it seems that has been bugging me most of the summer. With the drought here at home and my grandmother having fallen and broken her hip things seem so uncertain and unsettling.

Ever since I landed here in June I have been hoping for rain and it hasn't come. I have watched the grass wilt and dry up and eventually disappear. Right now the cows look like they have come off a hard winter and it is just barely September. Then my Grandmother fell and broke her hip and the family problems have become an issue. There is little I can do since grandmother has given her medical power of attorney to my cousin, and we  were not even told what had happened until several days later. I know it would be easier on all concerned if she is kept at the nursing/rehabilitation home, but she has lived in that house for 50+ years. I know it is galling for her to be powerless and depend on others when she has been independent for so long. However it is becoming apparent that most of the family is desirous to keep her where she is because it is in a more convenient location. As opposed to her being on the south west side of Houston she is now 30 min away in the Woodlands.

The issue boils down to the fact that I think she is already losing the will to go on because of where she is and even though it would be a pain would like for her to stay in her home as long as she can. I am not sure how long she will live but I would like her to be comfortable and in her home as long as it is feesable. She hasn't always been the best grandmother and the way she treated mom over the years has been less than kind. She also for reasons I have yet to fathom encouraged both sides of the family to not communicate with one another. I think it was a power thing and an attention thing. But she is my only living grandmother that trumps everything else, because I am not that kind of person to turn my back on family. Not to mention guess it is also from some misplaced hope that when I get to be as old as her someone will care enough to fight for me since well I have not always been the person I wish I was.

But I leave on the 20th and will not be here to do much and that makes me very concerned. What if she needs me and I am not here. The more time I think about it think the fates are throwing me some pretty clear signals. I need to come back to the states after I finish this year. Besides moving to the EU and taking a job because I am afraid of the possible witch hunting that the GOP seems to be hell bent on is not a solution. I suspect maybe I need to come back if only so my little voice might do more to make people realise how wrong and dangerous these people are.