Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Getting closer.

It is amazing when you really think about it how fast time passes. Seems like I haven't been home for long, though when I think about it I know it has been close to four months. Though with the only important things for this three months being to get rid of my possessions guess it has made it a bit more painful so somewhat noticeable. Then there was my grandmother taking a fall and the realization that when I leave for London this maybe the last time I see her alive and that is pretty scary.

Made me think alot about life and the worries of what I would do if anything happened to my mother. We don't get along, mainly cause we are so alike, but can't imagine her not being here to help. Even more it has become apparent that I need to figure out what I wish to do. While I have always loved the family ranch not really sure that is the end I will pursue since that was my mothers dream. I have learned I need to find my own dreams for life and not let myself be drawn into others dreams to sacrifice my own ambitions. My grandmother has shown me what bitterness and selfishness can bring about and I do not wish to create that by not following my own star. I will support my mom, but that doesn't mean I can't have my own.

But think my path will lead me back to Texas in the end there is too much work to do here. I know the easy road would be to stay in a country that is more in line with my beliefs, but I have never been one to take the easy road. But well that is one of the many things I have been thinking about over the last few weeks. I also have been fairly morbid lately but that I think comes from how depressing everything is and how many people are full of hate for their fellow man. Think it all became a bit much when I went to the protest outside of the Gov. Perry's prayer meeting. That so many people could be so hateful and scream at people that they were going to hell left a very bad taste in my mouth. This only got worse as the weeks went by and it became apparent that some have no respect for anyone not even their own religion. The fire really brought that out with people who were not even in the area posting on important message boards about prayers. While nice it was irritating since those of us needed updates had to dig through the mountains of "prayers". Personally thinking it was a way for them to insert themselves into something as an attention thing. Not to mention the constant use of Jesus's name was a bit offensive even to my overly Christian mother.

Maybe it is cause it was what sent me away from the Christian religion in the first place, but the evangelising just is a bit much. It seems so many are only acting like that because they have to keep having to prove to themselves. Kinda like if you say it enough times eventually it will become true. Maybe that is what grates on me is the fact most seem to be so desperate to believe anything, and that is actually kinda depressing when you think about it. But the real pet peeve is their inability to accept others as they are. As if we all want to be plagued by doubt the way they are. I have seen many things in my travels and while I haven't seen it all I have seen enough to know I don't understand everything nor do I want to. There is amazing wonder in the world and to try and understand that is not in my nature. It is like my moment of epiphany standing on on St. John an uninhabited isle in the south pacific. We stopped on our way to Perth from Durban and I swam with sea lions and climbed the crater where rock hopper penguins nested. Upon reaching the top, a moment I will never forget, there was nothing but ocean and our seemingly small tall ship rolling on waves. I pulled out my old journal from that trip.

February, 21, 1996
As we broke through the waves turning to avoid the kelp beds, we looked back at the S/V Concordia. Her masts were swaying as the swells tipped her to and fro. The crater rim was quite high, and all along the top were rock hopper penguins and sea lions along the shore. The climb was hard but upon reaching the top I knew I had found a place of the Gods.
There was a silence that encompassed all. even as the wind blew there was no sound. I felt their touch and my hope and faith was restored after so long. I thought of many things and had many questions answered on that small island. I firmly believe one can find them self, and know them self on this tiny island. 

I wish I had been a better journal writer and  had added more than that one small entry. But I know I thrive in solitude better than amongst people. Maybe it is this moment that set that in my head, but my life has been a search for that peace. When I had my wreck in August 2007 I had another moment and the one thing beyond the pain and the waiting to be rescued was the knowledge that I had strayed. That is what got me back into school and off to University again. Gave me the urge to travel again and to see how much of the world had changed in 11 years. So I chose the UK since I would be close to Europe to travel and there wouldn't be a language issue, my French is atrocious and the Texas accent does not help it. But learned more of the world by living outside the US for the majority of the last two years. The things we see as important in the US right now in the long run aren't. Our American pride is keeping us from achieving as much as we could, not to mention the inability to say when we are wrong.

This last year will be bitter sweet since I know I will have to make a choice this next July. But that will come when it comes right now the most important thing is to get through my final year and graduate. To walk across this stage to get my diploma will be the one of the most momentous things at this point. From that point I can make my decisions on where to go from there. Though my dream has been to work for the IRS and within the regulatory arm of taxation law. So that maybe where I go who knows.

Funny started on a gripe about unchristian Christians and got to school hmm time for bed.

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